I didn’t know how bad it was at the time, but he had me convinced that I was the one who was toxic. It almost cost me my sanity, my practice, my health, my finances, and my life. I felt like an utterly worthless, terrible person--like there was absolutely no way out of the black hole that was me. I knew I couldn’t do it alone, and thankfully I had enough sense to see a therapist.
20 minutes. That’s all it took.
Her: So, why are you here?
Me: I’m toxic and I need you to fix me.
Her: Tell me about this.
I give her a 15 minute overview of my current situation and relationship with my “boyfriend.”
Her: Do you want to stay with this guy?
Me: Crying, Yes. No. Yes. I don’t know. In the beginning he was just so perfect…. Why?
Her: Because you cannot fix him, and he cannot change.
Me: Why? What does he have?
Her: He’s a narcissist.
Me: How can he be? I thought all narcissists come from broken, abusive homes. He has two parents who’ve been married for 58 years and he came from a stable home. He’s quiet and shy.
Her: That’s the worst kind. The most insidious of the lot. He is what’s called a covert somatic narcissist. Here is some material for you to read about narcissism.
The session ends and I’m walking out the door, shaken and in disbelief.
Me: What do I do if he calls?
Her: Don’t answer him!
Easier said than done. The victim of a narcissist becomes addicted, groomed by the narcissist in a psychological role-reversal situation like a pedophile grooms a child: the victim begins to believe that he/she is the narcissist while the true narcissist plays the victim. The true victim begins to feel at fault and takes the blame for everything.
The narcissist weaves a vicious cycle of love-bombing followed by devaluation, creating a bond through trauma, and the victim is addicted to the “love” phases. When the devaluation comes, the victim works to get back to the love. All of it is fake, but no one knows that at the beginning except the narcissist. The narcissist is a crafty, master liar, and getting a person to buy into them and all of their fakeness is part of the game--the game where all of the rules apply to the victim but not to the narcissist. The game is also about getting control of and destroying the victim. As the relationship progresses, the victim does become toxic and in need of help. They need real, nurturing love, compassion, and help.
The ONLY way to break the cycle and calm the brain down is to go full-on with no contact. This is not easy because the narcissist is like a gaseous poison trying to find ways to permeate the victim’s world. In the devaluation phase, they don’t want you unless you try to leave. Then they start the love-bomb phase again in order to bring you back. It’s a sick, twisted cycle and the narcissist makes this a full-time job for both parties. They feed off this, it is their fuel. I could fill a book--three of them.
Being manipulated by a narcissist causes complex post-traumatic stress disorder
(CPTSD)
and one key way to heal this is through meditation. Another is by healing your HPA that’s been dysregulated
(HPA-D). My therapist suggested, strongly, that I start meditating six days a week for 8-10 minutes a day. I downloaded an app called
“Insight Timer”
and I was told it would change my life if I gave it two weeks. I didn’t believe my therapist. Sticking to this schedule, being quiet (for 8-10 minutes!), was hard and I hated it.
But I hated feeling like a worthless, messed up piece of shit more, especially now that I knew I wasn’t one. I decided that even if I was addicted to this dumb, son-of-a-bitch, I was going to break this addiction and stronghold he had over me, and I was not going to be a victim. I was going to be a survivor!
For the next year of my life, I put almost everything on hold so that I could study narcissism, who they are, and more importantly why I got involved and stayed. AND I meditated.
And guess what. The meditation--changed me!
It made me stronger and softer. It took my edge off and it also allowed me to find compassion for myself.
I’m writing this because it can change you, too. I recommend it to all my clients because emotional stress is one of the biggest pieces of the health crisis we currently have. Regardless of where the emotional stress comes from, we all have it to some degree, and it’s making us sick(er). This little thing called meditation--being mindful--has a profound power to pull us out. And here’s the best part about it: it’s free. It’s not easy, but it is free.
Meditation and being mindful helped me to get my mojo back, and it can help you, too. Start today. Give it two weeks.
If you or someone you know is involved in domestic abuse or narcissistic abuse relationship and you are not sure where to turn for help, there are resources and people who are here to help you. I am one such person. No judgement. You can also go to the
hotline.org I want you to know that you matter, your life matters and you deserve better.